Blog Therapy. I thought tonight would be a great idea to take a stab at some “blog therapy”…… Thoughts are nice, right? As a 1st time blogger, I wanted to take a few quiet moments, with a clear mind and…. Well…. Begin blogging. If you are a parent I am sure you can understand how that peaceful plan turned to turmoil in 0-100 real damn quick. I am the mother of 2 precious little pre-teens. I am very fortunate, as they know everything there is to know in this world and they love to remind me how annoying I apparently am. I am sure my annoying-ness comes from how “over worked” they are. They really do take on the responsibility of being lazy quite well. In fact, of all the responsibilities…. I have to say that they excel in the lazy category. Now, I know some or most of you reading this (if anybody is reading this) would point out that kids only get away with what they are allowed to get away with. This is so very true. But I am going to be honest….. I’m tired. Damn tired. I don’t have help in raising these kids physically or financially. I know I am not alone in this, so I am not searching for sympathy. Just understanding. Or advice. Or even maybe if I can make someone laugh at my daily experience or make a friend or two along the way…. Then it’s all good! The picture in this post is a picture I took a few months back. It reminds me of peace…. When I look at it I feel like if it could speak it would say “chill chica…. It’s gonna be a’ight” . I will post pictures often and they will always be pictures (or photos in the photography world) that I have taken. I am by no absolute means a photographer…. Yet. Maybe someday? Now…. Is anyone reading this?
I haven’t posted in awhile…. Not that it matters because the only person who reads what I post is me. This truly is my own personal therapy. So since I am my own audience, I dont have to worry about saying anything that might be offending to others. I tend to have consideration for others so if I know that people dont like cuss words or anything like that, I dont cuss. But I already know this so why post it? I am seriously at a damn loss for words. I can’t figure out why a grown ass man cannot act like a grown ass man and respond to a simple tucking message. I have sent my DNA birth father 3 messages on Facebook messenger, sent him an invite to Facebook messenger and just 2 damn days ago I posted a public comment on his Facebook asking him to please read my messages. He has not acknowledged even 1 lousy fucking attempt. I messaged my supposed brother (DNA brother) and he hasn’t responded either. What the fuck? Neither one of them can respond?! This is complete bullshit. And its rude as hell. I don’t want anything from either of them besides some answers to questions I have about what makes me, me and health type info. I have a Dad. I have my family. I am not trying to invade on their family. I explained that. And yet, no response?
Mother Nature does not like the town I live in. Seriously…. She is holding a grudge. I am not sure why but she is. And she needs to come to terms with whatever the problem is and move on because we need some weather besides constant annoying sweltering heat. Oh and the humidity! Sheesh! It needs to go too. Its misery. Dont bother to do hair or makeup because you will sweat yourself into a pitiful hot mess. I am ready for some rain and cooler temps. I miss the days of a breeze blowing through my living room after a long day of work. I miss taking the kids to the park. I miss walking the dogs. I miss being able to walk from the car to the inside of a building without beads of sweat pouring down my face. If anyone of you can relate….. Holla at your sweaty Betty hot mess girl!
I kinda got myself all worked up. I just posted on my Instagram about my touch up appointment today for my eyebrows and how I feel guilt for doing it. And now I am all pissed off because I feel that way and I shouldn’t! I am a single mom who provides for her kids. Their needs come before any of my needs. They may not have everything they WANT, but they have everything they NEED. So I took a bit of my tax return and began the process to have my eyebrows microbladed. Yes, it is for vanity purposes….. But I seriously have no eyebrows. I means I have eyebrows but they are so damn light that you can’t see them. Bit as I am getting ready for my touch up appointment today, I start to feel a bit of guilt. And I am really upset at this. I work my as off to make sure they are provided for. Their “dad” (loosest sense of that word ever) has not paid 1 cent in child support ever, does not see them, does not contact them, does not check on them to see if they are even alive. In fact, to him…. They do not exist. However, he lives in a $700K house in Canyon Lake, CA, has expensive vehicles, motorhomes, offroad vehicles, goes to expensive places to eat, vacations in Hawaii, etc….. So why do I feel guilt? Can I just say for a moment…… I hate him. I hate him for everything he is. And I dont care if its right and I dont care that hate is not good and supposedly keeps you from living life…… I am pissed that my kids are cheated. And its not like he is a great person…. In all honesty, he is a manipulating con artist who has violent issues that dont mix well with his on again/off again drug addiction(these charming factors became known to me 1 month after my twins were born). He worked very hard to keep his true self hidden from me until his drug addiction became so over powering that he lost control and became abusive. He did time in county jail and in prison and apparently that makes him wonderful now. He will always and forever be my biggest regret and the king of all pieces of shit ever.
Not everyone loves life. Not everyone wants to continue to live life. The idea of these thoughts is something most people cannot and/or will not understand. How often do you hear how selfish someone is for taking their own life? But how selfish is the person(s) for making that statement because the person who took their life wasn’t able to handle whatever life was dealing to them. Suicide is not cowardly. It is one of the bravest things a person can do. Tell me how many of you have the balls to swallow a bullet or wrap that rope around your neck?? What suicide is….. Is how a person chose to live their life. It is how a person chose to end their life. It is how a person chose to deal with their demons, sadness, mistakes, etc….. And they made a choice for THEM! And not you or anyone else. And that makes them selfish? No. It doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong…. I would be devastated if someone close to me committed suicide…. Of course I would. But I would never be mad at them. I would never talk shit about them. I would never tell people they were a coward or weak. I would be sad. I would mourn. I would cry. And I would hope and pray they found the peace they could not find on this earth. I would miss them. Terribly. But I would never condemn them. I know this from experience. Not the experience of having someone close to me take their life….. But at one time in my life, I wanted to take my own life. I did not want to live. I felt my family, friends, co-workers, the world would be so much better off without me. My life was in such a dysfunctionally upside inside out jacked way that I did not feel my presence in this world provided a benefit to anyone. I was far from being selfish. I wasn’t even thinking of me. I was thinking of how much better off all the important people in my life would be without me. Without my bullshit. Without my problems. Without me. So please understand that in most cases, the decision to take one’s life isn’t typically selfish, or about you in a bad way, or cowardly or weak. It is about a person struggling so hard in life that they honestly believe they are doing the absolute best thing they could do.
I just posted on Instagram about Snapchat filters so I figured I should post here about it too. Technology has come so far….. We have the ability tondo things that back when we were little, we never would have imagined we would be able to do. Like talking on phones without cords! And texting! Sending pictures through a phone! Communicating on computers via wifi! And I hear there is even a car that has no driver….. The car is automated or something weird like that. But seriously….. Those are things that would have never made sense to us back then. So maybe there is hope that one day….. In the near prevent distant future (hopefully just in my lifetime at least) that we can function through our days… In real life…. With Snapchat filters! Yeah yeah yeah…. I know…. I sound stupid. But in a world like what we live in these days…. A little silliness is almost as good as a Snapchat filter. Lol
A co-worker shared a great deal with me on those It Works wrap things. For 10 bucks you would get 4 wraps, 4 mini defining gels, a roll of some material to wrap around the wrap and the ability to make this a business…… Well….. So far, It Works doesn’t really work. I did not receive my order for 20 days. Mind you, they had multiple contests during that time frame that you could win extra items…… But I couldn’t. Because I had zero materials. When you join, you have a 30 day period to decide if you want to continue your enrollment or cancel….. Since I still do not have all of the products, it’s a bit hard to decide. After the 30 days, the business website that you can place orders through is no longer free either. Soooo…… As you can see…. It’s not really working. I am a bit bummed about this. I was super excited to have these wraps and try them out and also excited about the possibility of a little side business. That excitement is now frustration. They sent an email on Friday letting me know they will not even be sending the mini defining gels but they will give me a credit on my account. That credit is still not on my account and my 30 days is running out. Does anyone have any experience with It Works? Do the wraps & gel really work? Is this a good business opportunity? Is this a waste of time? HELP!! 😜 I am a struggling single mom who sure could use the extra income to get by in life but can’t afford to be taken in any scams.